If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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