Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
