Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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