ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
4 words: hood of his car
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
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Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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