I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
