If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
