A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Boobs speak an international language.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
