she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
