yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
