Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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