Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
