I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
as a side note pls kill me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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