I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
