happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
