I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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