Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
