He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
