my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
