drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
