i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
