glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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