matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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