Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
