but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
