I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
