so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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