i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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