i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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