My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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