Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
