Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
