When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Life is so much better after having sex.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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