Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
