I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
