I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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