I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
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I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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