i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't deserve a penis
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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