if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Pants are for mortals
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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