theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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