I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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