there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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