Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My nipple is on Facebook.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
