I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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