You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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