rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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