I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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