You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
