Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
