You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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