I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
