I want her autograph on my taint
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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