we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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