I accidentally had phone sex last night
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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