there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
