So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
