i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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