I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
